If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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