You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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