hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
