so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
