i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
