Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
