my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
