Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
