I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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