She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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