halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
