I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
