So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
