Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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