I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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