My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
