Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
