Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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