My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
