I cannot find my penis.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Michael Bay diarrhea
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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