I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
