i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
