I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she smelled like a LAN party
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just found a bag of teeth...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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