I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
