did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
