The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
