The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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