Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
