My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
