For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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