I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
