yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
