He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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