There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
