I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
