im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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