I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
