i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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