Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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