you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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