There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
