Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
