Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
