I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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