I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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