i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
