My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
