We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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