I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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