turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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