FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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