in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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