i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I will pee on everything he values.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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