Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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