i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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